Out of Hiding at Last

It has been 5 months since I last posted. My life has gone through major changes during that time. Much of the change has been very public.I am starting over in a new place to live after losing my home in foreclosure. A battle fought for almost two years is over and I lost. I LOST!!
ME!!! I couldn't believe it because I thought that good people with true motives could prevail. I was wrong.

I have described that the process of losing ones home is like going through terminal cancer with a friend or loved one. Your in survival mode, doing whatever it takes and sacrificing everything else. Your energy is drained and you need to switch to acceptance of the impending loss. You feel helpless and out of control. Then the person passes and you do what is necessary to facilitate the closing of a life.

It takes time to heal and find your path again. It is a process, this thing called loss. Well I am in the rebuilding and finding the path phase. For reasons unknown, I am acting out. Yes, now I am making my own way and choices but I wonder if I am out of control. This blog and anyone that reads it are the only people to know what I am thinking and often doing.

The Mikes's ( see previous posts )are of course still around. Married Mike #3 is the one I crave from the center of my being. When I was going through my tough times he broke his communication silence for a while. We Skyped for about 2 weeks in the evening. Sometimes almost two hours at a time. Skype is almost as good as really being in the same room. I could see, hear,laugh with him and look into his eyes. I could see how much he missed me. He could see me and tell when I get embarrassed or shy. I held almost nothing back , I felt so comfortable. We would hang up and he called right back because he wanted to see my face one more time. I was fucking stunned.As usual though, when we get too close he cuts me off. It's almost as if his wife senses she is losing him and decides to reel him back in with some loving gesture. I completely understand his back and forth, his only concern is to keep his family together. He knows her and is always suspect about her motives. So I know the score and have no right to bitch about it.

I never know when he will lose his ability to resist me. Again, I think his wife is directly related to when he starts contacting me. I like being the "Bad Girl"
that tempts him. He tells me I am his fantasy and he wishes he were single. Sometimes I have to work too hard to get his attention and the uncertainty of his feelings become too much. When I know I am in too deep I back way the fuck out and and wait. Or not?

I was going through the move and a very stressful time when Dave the Door Guy decided to leave our planet. Dave was not a friend but he supplied doors to my buisness and was a regular fixture in the neighborhood of my work. He would peek his head in the door and ask if I had the dark tint removed from my car windows yet. Then we laugh and I would say sheepishly " I know". So when we heard about him committing suicide my employee and I decided to have a drink in his memory. One drink turned into several and I was kicking ass on the pool table.

We had enough drinks and my friend called her husband. I called Mike#4 my sort of boyfriend to pick me up. I rarely reach out to anyone to ask for help but it seemed appropriate. He lives 30 minutes away and it was about 9:30-10:00 at night. I knew he didn't have to work the next day. He didn't want to come get me and take me to my house. Shock does not even begin describe how I felt. As it turned out Mike #4 sealed his fate with me that night.

After hanging around by myself and eating , I felt comfortable in my ability to drive. For some time I have been trying to find a dive bar where I can play pool.
I drove by the best contender for my new dive bar.I pulled in and drove around the block 4 times before getting out. I went in and attracted attention because I was a stranger. I happen to be shooting the best pool games ever that night. Unknown to me at the time ,I was playing the resident pool shark. I kicked his ass!

I have found if you beat a man in a pool game, he wants to give you the other stick.Well this guy was no different...