What Am I Doing Here Again?

The question isn't really a question. What am I doing here again? What the fuck?! Mike #3 texts me one evening several weeks ago. I thought I would never hear from him again. Last December I received text that said " Don't contact me again. I love my wife too much to do this to her".

We signed on to instant messaging and spent the next two hours catching up. My stomach was very nervous because this man of all men has a part of my heart that I cannot explain. I was very happy to have him in my life again even if only by email. We have this connection that I don't understand.

We met through AM two and a half years ago when I was trying to stay married. I own a business and he's has an important position in a construction company. We talked so easily as if we had been friends for ever. In a previous post I wrote that we had not had sex at that time. A day before we were to meet to finally have sex he wrote me an email that I understood but hurt me.
Here are parts of it; "I have to admit that you are exactly the person I always wanted to meet. I had this ideal in my mind of what kind of person my wife would be. I realize that you fit that mold exactly. You are beautiful , very very smart, insightful and on top of that you understand business. I have to except that there is someone in the world like you and know that I cannot have you. You are special and I looked forward to to seeing you, it made my day. But in the end I know where I have to be. I cannot be the person who dishonors his wife no matter how alone I might feel or how perfect you are. I can't live with it on my mind and it hurts my soul. It is like on one side when you are near I feel alive and then moments after you are gone I feel like a horrible person not worthy of anything. I know that none of us can change the past but if I only had one chance I would find you no matter where you are and not let go. I want to be with you more than I can say and I know I haven't said this before for obvious reasons. I have to own that for myself same as you do. You have made my life easier in some ways and much harder in others(no fault of your own). You have made me question if where I am in my life is where I should stay. The person I am says there is no choice , I cannot set aside my values. I think you would do the same because you love your family. I know I haven't told you much of this before because I was afraid to let it out of the box so to speak. I knew in the beginning that there was no future in this, yet I pursued it anyway. That is a testament to the influence you have over me. I wanted to be connected to you I just never expected to fall for you in the process. Now I have to live with that and know that I have hurt you too. Sorry for all of this , I just wanted you to know where I am. Mike"

We have always maintained contact until last December , when as I said he asked me not to contact him.

After that text recently M#3 and I went back to emailing like we had never stopped. He would coax an occasional half naked picture from me. I love turning him on and teasing him. Tempting him with my bad girl ways. A few weeks later he was teasing me. A lot. I told him to stop teasing me because he would never give in to me anyway. He writes back " you would be surprised". I said I would be shocked actually.

I was very pleased when he shocked me that night. I hadn't seen him but twice in the previous year and no phone conversations either. To say I was excited to see him would be an understatement.

We sat on my couch and talked and talked some more. We finally kissed. When I kiss him it's as if we have known each other for a lifetime. I have wanted this man for so long that I my stomach is nervous and almost a little queasy. He pins me with his body and it's clear that he's in charge. So I follow and receive his caresses. He is as happy to be there as I am.

We went to the bedroom where I kissed my way around his strong arms and chest. I suspect he has not had this sort of attention in a long time. I worked my way to his pants and in the most sensual way I unzipped his pants. Ever so slowly I removed his pants. I teased and nibbled and licked my way around his hard cock until I thought he he couldn't take it anymore. I put my lips around just the head at first then I slowly enveloped him with my mouth. My mouth was warm and wet as I looked at him and he looked at me. When he could take no more, he pulled me up to him and we kissed very deeply. He said I want you on top and I did as he wanted.

I have never known my mind and body to be so overwhelmed with passion. I could only think of him during those few hours we were together. It was like a dream, it had almost a mystical feeling to it. It was like every great lovemaking scene that has been seen in the movies. All the while a herd of butterflies were fluttering in my belly. I didn't worry that it would end too soon and that I would have to say goodbye.

Later he pulled me close and I put my head on his strong chest. We talked for a long time and I couldn't keep my hands to myself. I am certain it has been years since he came twice in an evening and I felt complete for the first time in a very long time.

"The Mikes" Part 2

I met Mike #4 a few months after I separated from my husband. Feeling lonely one evening I posted on a dating website. It was on a whim that I posted so I really didn't take it seriously. I was surprised to receive mail right away let alone from another Mike.

Mike#4 and I started emailing back and forth. This continued for a few weeks before we spoke on the phone for the first time. That first call lasted two hours. I'm a very open person sometimes too much. We had a very easy time talking all the next week sometimes for hours.

We met at a pool hall. He was very taken with me and made no attempt to hide it. I found him a nice enough guy, funny and there was some chemistry. I kicked his ass on the pool table twice.

Fast forward. Mike#4 was in love with me and while I found him great in bed there was no connection. That feeling when you are having sex and you breathe in your lover. Bodies in rhythm , skin on skin and feeling what I call "soul love".As I've said before , I am a control freak and it takes so much for me to quiet my brain. To get lost for awhile in passion and the elusive "soul love" is such a gift. Abandonment of control , to trust the man with my soul.

Mike #4 is technically good in bed but he can't go beyond. He has scars and damage like we all do. After 25 years of marriage , I hope that I have learned that people don't evolve unless they are willing to look at their pain. Even if they love you and say they want to "change" true insight is gained only through self awareness. My point is I don't want to change anyone. I want to accept people for who they are and it's my choice to stay or move on.

I will never get to experience "soul Love" with Mike#4 due to his inability to let go. I have tried to coax "soul love" from him but to no avail. Of course there is much about M#4 that I enjoy. I also know that he is not my future husband for many reasons outside of the bedroom. I prefer to think of him as a "fuck buddy" because the less I count on him the less I am disappointed. I am loving with him and do care but I have to remember he's not for a life time.

All these "Mike's". Why so many Mikes? I'm smart, I can remember another name...

In "Mikes" part one, I said that the married, no sex M#3 and I had a connection. We both knew it and we controlled it with distance. He needed to stay in contact with me as much as I needed to be in contact with him. We email and sometimes text.
One night last July, he's working late and I'm working late. He starts instant messaging and the conversation turns suggestive. At the time we had not seen or spoke to each other in over a year, but stayed in touch via technology. Again , fast forward we had sex that night. Not a long lingering time but enjoyable. Of course , he felt guilty , back to email only.

In December he sent a text saying he loved his wife too much to do this to her. It said do not contact me again. We hadn't seen each other for 6 months nor spoke by phone either. So there I am , cut off again. I thought he must be serious when an email bounced back. I was the only one with that address so I figured that was that. I did miss him terribly and I thought he must be missing me too. When I felt empty , I would write to his instant message address not knowing if he was reading them or not. I would write when I needed to talk to him in times of extreme stress. My heart wanted to believe that he was reading my words but I had no way to know for sure.

After me posting on and off for 3 months I wrote the defining post. I was honest and vulnerable and said what was really on my mind. I had just suffered a death in the family and was feeling like I had nothing to lose. Besides for all I knew he was not reading messages from me, the Evil Temptress. I wrote that I hoped he was getting the love and understanding that he deserves. But more than anything that he felt heard and relevant in his life. Then I said, FUCK IT! Your not reading this anyway because you don't even think about me. You are a man of character and should your marriage break up and you are free I hope you will reach out to me.

I received a text within 24 hours from a familiar number and my heart fluttered while butterflies took flight in my stomach...

What Makes a Woman "Hot"?

It wasn't until I met a man through Ashley Madison that I was called "beautiful". I had been married since I was twenty and my husband never referred to me as "pretty" or "beautiful" or "hot" and "gorgeous" certainly didn't escape his lips. Ever. He desired me always no matter how much I weighed. If I simply bent over to pick up something he would let me know he was looking. I liked that attention, it helped me forget his lack of dedication to other areas of our lives. We always had a very active and passionate sex life. Now I look back and realize how good sex kept me pacified in a marriage that made no sense.

Mike#3 was the first man I met through A.M.. I wasn't starved for sex , I was starved for stimulation and just normal everyday conversation. OK, the excitement also hooked me. I had no idea if I would be attractive to other men, after all I wasn't thin and was closing in on 44 years old. My body wasn't something to be admired in my mind.

I lucked out when it comes to aging in the face. My career has been spent in the beauty industry where to be successful you must look the part. Recently a gentleman said I was the least vain person he had ever met. I don't want to leave the impression that I am obsessed in any way with being perfect looking. Helping women to feel and look their best is my job.

As usual I am heading into easily distracted. Back to the topic...

The second time I met Mike#3 he called me "beautiful". In my mind , I thought he must be very horny. He said "you must hear that all the time". Well actually, "never" is what I was thinking. He still tells me how hot I am and that if I came into a room wearing a huge sack he would still think I was "gorgeous". I am flattered at my age to be thought of as "hot" but my confidence level doesn't let me believe .

The last time J and I were together he told me I was "gorgeous". I didn't say anything so he followed up with something along the lines of " I am not the only man that thinks that". When J looks at me, he takes me in and his eyes seem to sparkle. I love seeing myself through his eyes. When he writes about me I think "wow! I'd sure like to meet that "me"

In today's critical media, I would not be thought of as "hot" or "beautiful" let alone "gorgeous".
I only hope that someday I will feel "beautiful" inside as well as outside.

"The Mikes" Must Wait for Now

I have put "The Mikes" part 2 post on hold for now. I will say that Mike#3 and Mike#4 continue to be a source of uncertainty and mixed feelings. More on them at a later date...