I met Mike #4 a few months after I separated from my husband. Feeling lonely one evening I posted on a dating website. It was on a whim that I posted so I really didn't take it seriously. I was surprised to receive mail right away let alone from another Mike.
Mike#4 and I started emailing back and forth. This continued for a few weeks before we spoke on the phone for the first time. That first call lasted two hours. I'm a very open person sometimes too much. We had a very easy time talking all the next week sometimes for hours.
We met at a pool hall. He was very taken with me and made no attempt to hide it. I found him a nice enough guy, funny and there was some chemistry. I kicked his ass on the pool table twice.
Fast forward. Mike#4 was in love with me and while I found him great in bed there was no connection. That feeling when you are having sex and you breathe in your lover. Bodies in rhythm , skin on skin and feeling what I call "soul love".As I've said before , I am a control freak and it takes so much for me to quiet my brain. To get lost for awhile in passion and the elusive "soul love" is such a gift. Abandonment of control , to trust the man with my soul.
Mike #4 is technically good in bed but he can't go beyond. He has scars and damage like we all do. After 25 years of marriage , I hope that I have learned that people don't evolve unless they are willing to look at their pain. Even if they love you and say they want to "change" true insight is gained only through self awareness. My point is I don't want to change anyone. I want to accept people for who they are and it's my choice to stay or move on.
I will never get to experience "soul Love" with Mike#4 due to his inability to let go. I have tried to coax "soul love" from him but to no avail. Of course there is much about M#4 that I enjoy. I also know that he is not my future husband for many reasons outside of the bedroom. I prefer to think of him as a "fuck buddy" because the less I count on him the less I am disappointed. I am loving with him and do care but I have to remember he's not for a life time.
All these "Mike's". Why so many Mikes? I'm smart, I can remember another name...
In "Mikes" part one, I said that the married, no sex M#3 and I had a connection. We both knew it and we controlled it with distance. He needed to stay in contact with me as much as I needed to be in contact with him. We email and sometimes text.
One night last July, he's working late and I'm working late. He starts instant messaging and the conversation turns suggestive. At the time we had not seen or spoke to each other in over a year, but stayed in touch via technology. Again , fast forward we had sex that night. Not a long lingering time but enjoyable. Of course , he felt guilty , back to email only.
In December he sent a text saying he loved his wife too much to do this to her. It said do not contact me again. We hadn't seen each other for 6 months nor spoke by phone either. So there I am , cut off again. I thought he must be serious when an email bounced back. I was the only one with that address so I figured that was that. I did miss him terribly and I thought he must be missing me too. When I felt empty , I would write to his instant message address not knowing if he was reading them or not. I would write when I needed to talk to him in times of extreme stress. My heart wanted to believe that he was reading my words but I had no way to know for sure.
After me posting on and off for 3 months I wrote the defining post. I was honest and vulnerable and said what was really on my mind. I had just suffered a death in the family and was feeling like I had nothing to lose. Besides for all I knew he was not reading messages from me, the Evil Temptress. I wrote that I hoped he was getting the love and understanding that he deserves. But more than anything that he felt heard and relevant in his life. Then I said, FUCK IT! Your not reading this anyway because you don't even think about me. You are a man of character and should your marriage break up and you are free I hope you will reach out to me.
I received a text within 24 hours from a familiar number and my heart fluttered while butterflies took flight in my stomach...
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