What Am I Doing Here Again?

The question isn't really a question. What am I doing here again? What the fuck?! Mike #3 texts me one evening several weeks ago. I thought I would never hear from him again. Last December I received text that said " Don't contact me again. I love my wife too much to do this to her".

We signed on to instant messaging and spent the next two hours catching up. My stomach was very nervous because this man of all men has a part of my heart that I cannot explain. I was very happy to have him in my life again even if only by email. We have this connection that I don't understand.

We met through AM two and a half years ago when I was trying to stay married. I own a business and he's has an important position in a construction company. We talked so easily as if we had been friends for ever. In a previous post I wrote that we had not had sex at that time. A day before we were to meet to finally have sex he wrote me an email that I understood but hurt me.
Here are parts of it; "I have to admit that you are exactly the person I always wanted to meet. I had this ideal in my mind of what kind of person my wife would be. I realize that you fit that mold exactly. You are beautiful , very very smart, insightful and on top of that you understand business. I have to except that there is someone in the world like you and know that I cannot have you. You are special and I looked forward to to seeing you, it made my day. But in the end I know where I have to be. I cannot be the person who dishonors his wife no matter how alone I might feel or how perfect you are. I can't live with it on my mind and it hurts my soul. It is like on one side when you are near I feel alive and then moments after you are gone I feel like a horrible person not worthy of anything. I know that none of us can change the past but if I only had one chance I would find you no matter where you are and not let go. I want to be with you more than I can say and I know I haven't said this before for obvious reasons. I have to own that for myself same as you do. You have made my life easier in some ways and much harder in others(no fault of your own). You have made me question if where I am in my life is where I should stay. The person I am says there is no choice , I cannot set aside my values. I think you would do the same because you love your family. I know I haven't told you much of this before because I was afraid to let it out of the box so to speak. I knew in the beginning that there was no future in this, yet I pursued it anyway. That is a testament to the influence you have over me. I wanted to be connected to you I just never expected to fall for you in the process. Now I have to live with that and know that I have hurt you too. Sorry for all of this , I just wanted you to know where I am. Mike"

We have always maintained contact until last December , when as I said he asked me not to contact him.

After that text recently M#3 and I went back to emailing like we had never stopped. He would coax an occasional half naked picture from me. I love turning him on and teasing him. Tempting him with my bad girl ways. A few weeks later he was teasing me. A lot. I told him to stop teasing me because he would never give in to me anyway. He writes back " you would be surprised". I said I would be shocked actually.

I was very pleased when he shocked me that night. I hadn't seen him but twice in the previous year and no phone conversations either. To say I was excited to see him would be an understatement.

We sat on my couch and talked and talked some more. We finally kissed. When I kiss him it's as if we have known each other for a lifetime. I have wanted this man for so long that I my stomach is nervous and almost a little queasy. He pins me with his body and it's clear that he's in charge. So I follow and receive his caresses. He is as happy to be there as I am.

We went to the bedroom where I kissed my way around his strong arms and chest. I suspect he has not had this sort of attention in a long time. I worked my way to his pants and in the most sensual way I unzipped his pants. Ever so slowly I removed his pants. I teased and nibbled and licked my way around his hard cock until I thought he he couldn't take it anymore. I put my lips around just the head at first then I slowly enveloped him with my mouth. My mouth was warm and wet as I looked at him and he looked at me. When he could take no more, he pulled me up to him and we kissed very deeply. He said I want you on top and I did as he wanted.

I have never known my mind and body to be so overwhelmed with passion. I could only think of him during those few hours we were together. It was like a dream, it had almost a mystical feeling to it. It was like every great lovemaking scene that has been seen in the movies. All the while a herd of butterflies were fluttering in my belly. I didn't worry that it would end too soon and that I would have to say goodbye.

Later he pulled me close and I put my head on his strong chest. We talked for a long time and I couldn't keep my hands to myself. I am certain it has been years since he came twice in an evening and I felt complete for the first time in a very long time.